I want to go travel....

Air Asia promotion is so tempting.. Really loves going travelling especially now the air ticket is so affordable and very soon, am earning Singapore dollar and that makes the value of our money higher. Saving for travelling is no more really that hard. When the money is no more the problem, another problem arises. You are the only one wanted to go travelling. Don't really understand what makes it so hard to go decide and set an aim as a motivation for our hard work. Haiz.. Really potong steam to the max!!!!!!!!!!

$ is everything..

What I want is just some effort? Am I asking too much? I know I should have be more understanding but I also need people to understand and see things inside my shoes. Ya, $ is always more important, even me...

Am sick again physically and mentally..

Just back from Genting Highland with dear, Dang, Soo Chin and Amos. Still remember how 11 of us went there and had a real good trip and now left with five of us here visiting the same place. The worst thing is me and dear fall sick so badly there. Flu and fever isn't feeling that good at Genting because it is way too cold to be bear by two patients.

Sometimes I feel it kinda san fu because I couldn't differentiate whether it is really from the heart, pretending or actually it's just a sense of responsibility. This makes me feeling insecure again. hi to my old dear friend..

I had few chances to actually view those things but I choose not to. Not because I am really that saint but what if I saw something that I shouldn't, then my heart will be ache like nobody business and what if those pictures are no more there? My heart will be more painful because I know he is hiding things from me definitely. Never even think of being honest with me.. Haiz..

Piece and bits of life

Remember I was saying about thinking whether to attend the day or not? But that is just the outer me, inner me am so happy with the invitation. I told all my close friend about it and they realize how excited I am. I already spare that few days for this. I rejected a few invitations too. I am even thinking about the preparation for that night already. I even told my mum about it. But a news drag me from heaven to hell. I am so disappointed. I have a feeling that I am not yet accepted by them. I am still not part of them. How do I tell people about it? I am just being silly to be so simple-minded. What can I do? Even him is not fighting for me. I can just say ok, fine ( nod my head unwillingly... sob sob.. )

Sometimes I think i am too overstressed on the term responsibility and promise. I always put so much burden on myself and I need to fulfill all the promises. I think that is very important or the basic element of a human being. but i think i am overstressing it.

I am done with my thesis. Finally everything is done. job hunting will be starting soon. hope that I can find a job that I am desired of..

The Important Reunion...

Finally the long waiting 155days has come to an end.. I was thinking maybe the felling would be very different after going through all the things this 5 months.. Ya, the moment I saw him from the arrival, I have some weird feeling and the feeling is like I don't really close to him.. I don't know how to response.. Maybe because we have not seen each other for 5 freaking months.. But all the feelings came back straight after a while.. Today the first day was awesome.. I can feel the feeling that we have for each other in the very beginning of our relationship.. very sweet and loving.. As if in our eyes only manage to place each other.. Dunno leh, maybe this is one sided but I am really satisfied with today.. haha.. hope the happy2 and sweet us comes back will lasts......

Magic Word

Got scolded just to wait for him to on9..

Got burned just because to learn to cook him something..

Needed to work very hard and survey all around just for his birthday present..

Sleepless night for 4.5 months just to wait for him..

Wake super early because worried about him..

Spend so much for him..

Planned so much and face so many obstacles just for a happy trip..

Got accused and being commented by friends which all the accuse is not true..

Tears are poured just as the greatest waterfall..

Mentally and physically exhausted because of him..

ETC & Etc & Etc... uncountable...

Everything is for him..

I am amazed that how Love can do to a person.. One can lose his mind totally for the word "love". one can totally become irrational and do whatever for the person that he/she thinks worthy.. But in return, what that person can get? If he/she is being appreciated, the love will flows continually and happily. But what if not? The suffers are feelings cannot be translated into words.. really fascinate how I can undergo all this pain and yet still can survived.. But how's the future? No one knows except the Almighty One.. It seems not bright enough for me because everything seems so one-sided.. What I am holding to that makes me still go on? I guess is the same old word: LOVE

Bodoh me...

Am I really wrong? I just wanna care more and I really couldn't understand why my effort is always being stepped and put aside like beggar?? I did so much but why you wouldn't know to appreciate? I really don't want life like that.. I want someone that is supportive and always know how to appreciate me. So hard? Whether to go the gathering, now I should think properly.. before meeting them better make sure whether there's probability for us to go on or not.. I am so stupid for putting so much effort.. Now I don't think I want to do all thatI have planned dy.. Why should I? In return, just not appreciated and I am the wrong one.. Looking forward? Please la, don't be so naive.. What you think is good, doesn't mean people will like it.. Bodoh betul.. Please be more wise la, Sher... Waste your effort and more tears coming only... I realy feel like crying now.. but no1 will ever sakit hati for you also.... stupid

Emptiness is killing..

Why do I feel so empty inside suddenly. I should be sleeping at this time but I am here wandering around. I don't know why this feeling suddenly came attacking me in the middle of the night. I guess this is a signal that I am getting further and further from HIM. So sorry, I have been wandering and loitering that now I don't really know how to find my way back. Or am I feeling too insecure with things surrounding me? I couldn't give an answer to all my questions arousing..

Another 17days and he will be back to my side. But am I really sure with that? Physically coming back but what about mentally? Is everything will back to normal after he back? Is that all? His heart will return to what it was? I really couldn't predict the future nor does he. But I think I should put more time on thinking whether we should continue this or not.. I don't want things just keep repeating and the cycles never stop..

Emptiness really kills.. Scary..

Bad Mooncake Festival..

What a Mooncake Festival.. A very lonely and boring one.. Looking at the playground every1 is there playing candles and tanglong which seems to familiar to me but there's no more chance for me to play.. A festive season that is suppose to be reunion season and also a day that we spend with the loved ones but I am alone at home looking at the laptop screen. I think dear sure 4gotten about this but I guess he also not so sure about this special day where he did not even celebrate it.. Besides the lonely feeling, there's so many bad news that I got, makes me having a mix feeling the whole night. Hopefully everything will goes well and I really don't want this kind of Mooncake festival anymore.. I don't care.. I shall do something next year..

Follow the Heart

Am I doing what I suppose to? I am just following my heart and I don't mean to hurt anyone. I just want to do what I can to make the relationship better. So sorry if it makes you feel bad. I can have all the blame but I know this is the right decision to make. If not, more problems and suspecting will arise. At least now I don't have to worry so much. I hope you can really understand why am I doing this..

I am not myself anymore?

I wanna be myself..

I wanna be joyful and bubbly as usual..

I wanna focus on other things too..

I don't want to hurt anyone..

I don't want to be negative and sensitive..

How come my sight is that narrow recently..

How do my heart support the rate of painfulness everyday, every minute..

I want dear to be back asap...

The starting and ending of 8th...

Is that the end already? 8th is the starting point and also the ending one? Honestly I miss him... So many flash back of the moment we had together. But what to do, I gave opportunity but he did not really say anything wanting to get back into the relationship. Although the IDD time finishes, he can still come on9. But he did not.. So he is not really so wanted to rescue our r'ship also. So, I guess that's it la.. From now on, I have to get used of removing one person out of my life and start treating all his things as normal. Start tidying up the feeling, the explanation to everyone and everything relates to this 3 years.. So many and it is getting so heavy to do all this because I still love him..

I don't give a damn anymore...

No more tears..

No more upset alone..

No more asking you to do this and that..

I will never care so much anymore..

I can still survive on my own..

I have so many people that care for me..

I won't sad anymore for people that don't know how to appreciate me..

Up to you what you wanna do..

Up to you how you treat our promises...

Coz I won't give a damn anymore..

Please don't regret...

Love's Best friend is Honesty...

Hiding your true self is really something hard.. It is not something easy, at least not to me. I am those that will need to speak and burst out everything in my mind. For me, to keep quiet when I know something is not right makes me like a great sinner. I think of it all the time and it makes feel really sad and lost. I couldn't believe that this happens to me too.. I really wanted to find out the truth and be very frank to him. I know it is not a healthy thing to be dishonest to each other in a relationship. I hope he can be honest to me this time and hopefully the outcome is favourable. I really can't wait to solve it at tis minute too because I really cannot stand the pain anymore. Please don't cheat me anymore.. It hurts so much...

Lost and Found...

I am lost..

I don't know what to do..

What is the right thing to do?

Afraid of taking the wrong step..

I want to follow my heart..

I guess that is what the most appropriate one..

A dream future without me or a simple future with my company?

What do you want? It is 10 days since you replied my mail and 4 freaking days since we chatted. Or I should ask, what do I want? Why I am so desperate? People is not so worried, why are you so gan jeong.. I really hate myself for being like that. Why should I be so depress and checking out every minute to see whether he is on9 anot? Who knows he is enjoying himself so much while I am the only silly one that cares so much.. I should enjoy myself to the max coz if he does not appreciate me, then it is totally his lost... Be stronger and firmer this time...

A nice phrase that I have created few days ago,

" A dream future without me or a simple future with my company? "

He left..

I know I am away for some time because I spent all my time with dear.. We did so much things together and we truly enjoy it.. But this leads to another thing which we are more and more mm seh tak of each other. He left yesterday and I wouldn't care so much but to send him off... surprisingly I am stronger than I thought... I thought I will cry non stop like a baby in pain, but no single tears drop from my eyes and dear seems like having a harder time.. But this might also due to the amount of tears I've been dropping b4 that crucial day. I gain more strength from God after a god and thorough prayer. Thanks to his bunch of friends too for appearing in the airport and this might also contribute to my strongness, thanks Kermin, Evon, Chin Yaw, Fatt and Ah Yee... I am still now trying hard to adapt to the days without dear's morning and night wishes and all those naughty ideas from dear, but I know I am not trying alone.. Dear, we try our best together k? and do remember to take good care of yourself and rmb our promises... Miss u so much already... Muacks..

Will update with the pictures soon....

Sick...

Very sick today... It's been long since i fall down to the earth for so many days. Flu, fever, and bit of cough... I hate all this. I can't take cold food, can't take fried and oily food. I only can take food that is tasteless and not exciting at all such as bread... Boring and by looking at it also will lose appetite dy.. Adui.. Hopefully after today, I will be recovering very soon and get rid of all this stupid virus.. Gain antibiotic please... I want to go have fun and not staying at home..

Guys and Girls are just so different

According to my survey around my guys friend and also lotssss of girl friends, i came to this conclusion that they will always place study above their partners and later in life job above them. So kesian rite girls? Are we really so not worth their care and love. We are really so unimportant to them? Maybe partner can be found everywhere but to fulfill their own satisfaction and achievement is something valueable. This two sexes that God has created is not only differ in numbers of bone in their body but most drastic differences is their thinking. What a girl perceive as important, the guy would never get to understand. They will just think things case by case. Resolving things one by one. But they just could not understand the core problems that they always ignore. For an example, a guy late for date, they will think that it is just late, but for girls how you handle the late and why you late very closely related to how important is that girl in your heart.

Guys always like to say, I din do that this and that doesn't mean that I don't love you. You all are wrong. What girls value is the core value. But I know guys sure couldn't figure out a single thing from what I wrote coz you guys will never consider all this. Then, you all will blame the girl for making small matter big, but have you ever self evaluate yourself, that this small matter actuallymeans a lot to a girl and directly hurt a girl's feeling. You would not know this small matter would lead to bigger crack in your relationship. You guys would only look at the shallow and surface problem but girls looking at the core and in depth things which guys will never ever appreciate.

Haih.. Why are these tow species so different. If it is not, then the world would be better.....

Stress...

I am so stressed out but I don't anyone will understand even the closest one.. What I have done is out of my willingness so I can't blame anyone. And i shouldn't be grudging for people not doing the same to me. Different people have different thinking and I am not the king of the world. I shouldn't be too demanding, to ask people to must act out what I want. Really san fu in dealing with all this.. When you are so stressed out, wanted to find someone to talk to, there's no single 1 dat is available for you.. That is so sad right? not even the closest person will do. But what to do, you can't expect people to be 24hours by your side and fulfilling all your needs and wants. I know by switching the presentation, I need to bear more bad consequences than good one, but I think it's worth it. But thinking of i'm not being treated like that, really heart broken lo. Is that really that hard? I just want to spend more time with you, but I am always behind so many things. Your activity, families, studies and even your cars. When is my turn? 2months left and after deducted from your family's time, studies, and friends', then what left for me? I really got so many things in mind. But I know I am old enough to handle things by my own...

I have 3 presentations and 6 pages of design.. And next week need to hand in 1 assignment and report earlier just because of the trip.... STRESSSSS